While staying at "24" Jason began to experience high anxiety attacks and a lot more stress. The environment there was not a fit for Jason and resulted in some very unhealthy experiences for him. One day, he decided to buy a bus ticket to Calgary to stay with Grandma and Grandpa for awhile. He wanted to get away from his world as the pain he was experiencing seemed so unbearable for him. While waiting for the bus, he called home and told Bev of his intentions. I met with Jason and we called Grandpa to talk it over. He agreed to stay and continue with his psychiatric treatment at "24".
Jason was learning some destructive behaviors in his new home and the practice of these behaviors got more dangerous. His roommate hid some pot in their room and began sharing it with Jason. Another patient at the home showed Jason how "high" he could get by drinking cough syrup. He also experimented with cutting (self-injury), a way to transfer emotional pain to physical pain. On one occasion, he required medical attention at the hospital.
Jason was taking his medication on a consistent basis and it was given to him under supervision by the staff at "24". Because Jason wasn't doing well, his psychiatrist would adjust the dosage or introduce new medication. We kept hearing that this was very common for people suffering from mental illness. But Jason kept getting sicker with higher anxiety attacks, less controllable suicide thoughts, more confusion and deeper emotional pain. He started believing that he would always be on anti-depressants as he couldn't imagine life without being medicated. Jason had very little hope for the future and believing that he had no reasons to live became a moment by moment battle.
Several months later, in November of 2007, he began planning for a suicide attempt. He smoked some pot, drank a bottle of cough syrup, bought some off the counter sleeping pills and stole a small knife from the kitchen at "24". He called us from an isolated area at a local park to tell us that he stabbed himself in the chest. Jason was scared and could hardly stay awake. When we got there, I saw blood on his sweatshirt and the knife on the ground with blood on it. I wrapped my arms around him and told him I loved him and that he would be moving back home. This was the 2nd time in the past couple months that he broke down sobbing while I embraced him and these embraces will likely be a memory that will always stick with me. The RCMP were there to investigate and the ambulance took him to the hospital. Jason had written a suicide note in his journal which was left with us. We brought it home and I read the whole journal and cried all night. His emotional pain was written throughout the journal from the time he was 1st admitted to the psych ward and the depth of his pain was shocking. I would not let Bev read it before returning it to Jason. After being treated for his chest wound and drug intake, he was transferred back to the psych ward for a few days, then back to "24". Jason refused to move back home and decided to go back to "24" but guard himself from other people. He wanted to get well and learned that these places are not social opportunities, but recovery centers.
In February of 2008, Jason decided to get his own apartment. This gave him independence and I was pleased to see that he was being responsible. In a month or so, he was in trouble again and ended up in the psychiatric ward. He was drinking and smoking pot while taking his medication and wanted to swallow a bunch of sleeping pills, which he had saved up. The temptation to do it scared him and he had the sense to call the emergency response line for help. The RCMP arrived at his apartment, handcuffed him, and took him to the psych ward on a mandatory commitment under the Mental Health Laws. He was released a couple days later and we arranged for him to see a psychologist, who specialized with borderline personality disorder. After several months, we found this therapy was ineffective, mostly due to the prescribed medication being taken at the same time.
After living on his own for a couple months, Jason decided to move back home, but his condition did not improve. There appeared to be times when there were improvements but they were either short term or he was concealing his pain from us. Obsessive suicidal thoughts were with him constantly and he was feeling more depressed than ever. He slept a lot and feelings of being emotionally and mentally paralyzed stopped him from doing anything productive.
These dark days were a struggle for all of us. We could only hope that we would find some answers before he killed himself. And, there was nothing we could do except hang on to the only thing we seemed to be able to believe .... that God loves all of us as a loving Father, and that included Jason. But, we still didn't know how that would play out for our family in the here and now.
Jason was learning some destructive behaviors in his new home and the practice of these behaviors got more dangerous. His roommate hid some pot in their room and began sharing it with Jason. Another patient at the home showed Jason how "high" he could get by drinking cough syrup. He also experimented with cutting (self-injury), a way to transfer emotional pain to physical pain. On one occasion, he required medical attention at the hospital.
Jason was taking his medication on a consistent basis and it was given to him under supervision by the staff at "24". Because Jason wasn't doing well, his psychiatrist would adjust the dosage or introduce new medication. We kept hearing that this was very common for people suffering from mental illness. But Jason kept getting sicker with higher anxiety attacks, less controllable suicide thoughts, more confusion and deeper emotional pain. He started believing that he would always be on anti-depressants as he couldn't imagine life without being medicated. Jason had very little hope for the future and believing that he had no reasons to live became a moment by moment battle.
Several months later, in November of 2007, he began planning for a suicide attempt. He smoked some pot, drank a bottle of cough syrup, bought some off the counter sleeping pills and stole a small knife from the kitchen at "24". He called us from an isolated area at a local park to tell us that he stabbed himself in the chest. Jason was scared and could hardly stay awake. When we got there, I saw blood on his sweatshirt and the knife on the ground with blood on it. I wrapped my arms around him and told him I loved him and that he would be moving back home. This was the 2nd time in the past couple months that he broke down sobbing while I embraced him and these embraces will likely be a memory that will always stick with me. The RCMP were there to investigate and the ambulance took him to the hospital. Jason had written a suicide note in his journal which was left with us. We brought it home and I read the whole journal and cried all night. His emotional pain was written throughout the journal from the time he was 1st admitted to the psych ward and the depth of his pain was shocking. I would not let Bev read it before returning it to Jason. After being treated for his chest wound and drug intake, he was transferred back to the psych ward for a few days, then back to "24". Jason refused to move back home and decided to go back to "24" but guard himself from other people. He wanted to get well and learned that these places are not social opportunities, but recovery centers.
In February of 2008, Jason decided to get his own apartment. This gave him independence and I was pleased to see that he was being responsible. In a month or so, he was in trouble again and ended up in the psychiatric ward. He was drinking and smoking pot while taking his medication and wanted to swallow a bunch of sleeping pills, which he had saved up. The temptation to do it scared him and he had the sense to call the emergency response line for help. The RCMP arrived at his apartment, handcuffed him, and took him to the psych ward on a mandatory commitment under the Mental Health Laws. He was released a couple days later and we arranged for him to see a psychologist, who specialized with borderline personality disorder. After several months, we found this therapy was ineffective, mostly due to the prescribed medication being taken at the same time.
After living on his own for a couple months, Jason decided to move back home, but his condition did not improve. There appeared to be times when there were improvements but they were either short term or he was concealing his pain from us. Obsessive suicidal thoughts were with him constantly and he was feeling more depressed than ever. He slept a lot and feelings of being emotionally and mentally paralyzed stopped him from doing anything productive.
These dark days were a struggle for all of us. We could only hope that we would find some answers before he killed himself. And, there was nothing we could do except hang on to the only thing we seemed to be able to believe .... that God loves all of us as a loving Father, and that included Jason. But, we still didn't know how that would play out for our family in the here and now.
Hi Dan; Thank you and your family and a special thanks to Jason for sharing your painful experience. Thank you for using this experience as a tool for helping others. Looking forward to reading more. Love your brother Ron.
ReplyDeleteHi Dan,
ReplyDeleteThis is awesome. It's great that you found a way through all the pain to do this and help someone else. I look forward to reading and learning more.
Love Lynne