The Heart ... A Reliable Voice

Confidence in the help we were getting for Jason had diminished quite a bit. The attempts to help Jason with his problems were not only failing to provide a solution, but he was introduced to a life of hell and the risks were becoming increasingly more dangerous. Besides a year of self abuse and hatred including a brush with death on at least one occasion, we found ourselves at Jason's bedside in the ICU recovering from an overdose of sleeping pills, followed by subsequent trips to the psychiatric ward, including 2 mandatory ones by the RCMP. Jason's suicidal planning continued off and on for about 6 or 7 months and there were no answers in sight. The psychiatrist kept adjusting the medication and his suggestions for Jason were only obvious ones. Jason didn't want to live most of the time so receiving advice on how to get well was not on his agenda and when he had a bit of fight in him, he didn't believe the advice would work.

How often do people look back on difficult challenges in their lives and ask themselves, "where did I get the strength to do that?" I asked myself that question many times and have come to realize that we are all capable of doing much more than we think we can. God loves everybody by name and we have all received the tools needed to work through the more challenging times. I didn't know how much strength was in me until I searched for it in desperation. Other times, I felt discouraged and felt very little strength, but I had friends who would listen to my heartaches and love me where I was. They didn't try to fix our problems, they simply listened and loved me, which is what I needed most. We met every week for breakfast and started this routine only a couple months before Jason's troubles started. God gave me faith and strength when I needed it and when I didn't know how to tap into it, he gave me close friends to carry me until I could.

For a long time, I had a sense deep inside me that Jason didn't need psychiatric drugs. I thought what he really needed was someone he can trust and be open with about the things that were troubling him. Then, for a couple months it would seem like he was getting well, so I would doubt what my heart was telling me and I would place my reliance on the psychiatrists and others who were sincere about helping Jason. After viewing the video I mentioned in the last blog, I was moved by the shocking testimonies of the families who lost their loved ones and it became very clear to me that action needed to be taken. The first order of business was to listen to my heart and trust what it was saying to me.

In March, 2009, I wrote a letter to Jason's psychiatrist requesting that he be taken off his medication. I described what Jason was like before his 1st visit to the psych ward - that he was a "normal" kid with the stresses and challenges most young people face growing up. I told him what my instincts as a dad had been telling me for a long time - that Jason needed good counseling, not drugs. First, I met with our family doctor to get his feedback of the letter. He didn't disagree with me and offered to call the psychiatrist to arrange an appointment with him. In the meantime, Jason had an appointment scheduled with him so I joined him. I explained why I was there and shared the contents of the letter, which I left for him. He agreed to taking Jason off the drugs and commented about how the medication had not helped so far and that it might be a good idea. I was pleased with his willingness but also shocked with how easily he went along with it. The strategy was to gradually reduce the 2 more potent drugs over a 5 week period until he was not taking them anymore. After only 2 or 3 days, I noticed a big improvement with Jason! He was more aware of his surroundings and better engaged in conversations. Improvements continued during the 5 weeks and at the end of the withdrawal period, our Jason was back! It was a long 2 years and we missed him, sometimes not knowing if we would ever see him again. We are grateful to have him back.

We also learned about a treatment known as "Brain State Conditioning". Research indicated that this treatment was yielding excellent results for issues like post traumatic stress disorder, suicidal obsessions, drug addictions, sleeplessness, etc. We also discovered it was available in Kelowna and decided to register Jason for the one week of treatment. I noticed early in the treatments that he was better able to express his thoughts into words, something he always had difficulty with. He was less anxious and he explained that he was able to think "outside the box" more. He now sees more options available to him when making decisions and is more confident and decisive when he faces choices. Some of these improvements were due to the withdrawal of medication but the brain chemistry balancing was definitely a factor. To view an interview of the founder, Lee Gerdes, click here: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7416007883943269677&hl=en#.

For the past 5 or 6 months, Jason has been free of destructive obsessions and the other effects caused by the medication. Jason was obsessed with killing himself, yet he worked so hard to stay alive! He didn't want to end his life, he wanted to stop hurting. The only thing Jason ever wanted was to live a contented life and enjoy the people around him. After 2 years of being incapable of working, he is now able to do so and soon will be working full time. Jason is looking at his future more positively and is considering many exciting options. He has talked about moving to Australia, a goal he held before he got sick. He would also like to study and work as a counselor/therapist or a care aide. I think Jason would do very well in this kind of occupation with his gentle demeanor, caring heart and personal experience. Jason experienced more than most people in the past 2 years and I know that whatever he decides to do, he will succeed!

The following is a song by Casting Crowns that relates well with what Jason was experiencing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0w39vErgIMM

In closing, thank you for taking this journey with us. Jason and I wanted to share our story to raise the awareness about the dangers of psychiatric drugs. As I said before, some people truly need this medication but I believe it is over prescribed to the rest.

Let's live loved because we are!
Dan & Jason

Feeling Stuck!

Suicide can be like an addiction. Jason didn't really want to die, often it was escaping to a world of trapped thinking and planning of a suicide that distracted him from his pain. Like a drug addict, the drugs are not a means to an end, it's the "high" and escape from reality that gives the addict reason to go back to it. Whatever the addiction is, the purpose is to replace an unhappy existence. However, the risk taken with these addictions, including suicide addiction, can cause unintended death due to accident or lack of judgment.

It was about a month following the sleeping pills incident when Jason was beginning to lose control of his thoughts again. The thoughts persisted and realizing where they could take him, he called the Crisis Response Team. Following their advice, I took him back to the psych ward for another couple days of observations and further adjustments to his medication.

The obsessive thought patterns continued for about three months and eventually grew to where Jason could endure them no longer. Bev was home when he intentionally injured himself and swallowed several days' supply of his medication. He was desperate and knew that cutting himself and swallowing the pills could land him back to the psych ward. Experience had taught him that this would often break the trance of uncontrollable suicidal thoughts. Jason knew of no other way to escape these dangerous thoughts.

He told Bev about the cutting and the pills and that the RCMP might be on their way to pick him up. He had called the Crisis Response Team but they asked the RCMP to check up on him because they weren't able to respond soon enough. The police came to the house and were pretty harsh with Bev and Jason. They yelled at Bev to get outside while the other one threw Jason to the floor, holding him down with one knee while handcuffing him. I know the police have a job to do and aggressive action in cases like this is often necessary but that didn't make it any less upsetting for Bev. Jason is quiet and very mild mannered and being thrown down to the floor and handcuffed would have been pretty traumatic to both of them. The police took him back to the psych ward and he was released the next day. Jason's desperate attempt to gain control of his mind worked. He was ok again.

Jason seemed to be getting more stable. He still lacked motivation and was experiencing the occasional round of suicidal thinking but he found them to be a bit more manageable. He was happy for short periods of time but the battle for his mind tended to be a full time job and very exhausting. He had been going out with a nice girl for a couple months and this helped him get his mind off himself. She was also struggling with depression and other disorders and they seemed to be good support for each other. Jason's private therapist warned us that if the relationship was a healthy one that she might want to end it. She explained that the experience of living in foster homes is often a negative one and a loving, healthy relationship could be a struggle for her. At first, we didn't know how to respond to this new relationship, knowing that it had the potential to hurt Jason deeply and set him up for serious trouble. We listened to our hearts and made a conscious decision to love her and support both of them in the relationship. We realized that listening to our mind or emotions would not have been appropriate, nor would it have changed anything. Jason's therapist proved to be right after a few months when she abruptly decided to end the relationship.

In March of this year, Jason found himself in trouble again with his dangerous thinking and he told his therapist that his newest "plan" was to buy a gun. She made him promise that he would tell me about it, and he did. Being open with me about his thinking gave him temporary release from the uncontrollable, trance like thoughts.

At about this same time, a friend mentioned a video he thought I should check out. The video is on YouTube, entitled, "Psychiatrists and Psychopathic Drugs". The documentary reveals facts about the psychiatric industry that must be shared to help the many people around us who are suffering from mental illness. It reports how the survival of this industry depends on the sale of drugs. The amount of work for a psychiatrist is directly linked to the dispensing of medication to his patients. The video also includes a number of interviews with families of teenagers and young adults who tell the story of their son or daughter feeling depressed and their doctor prescribing them with anti-depressants. They go on to share the shocking news that in a matter of only a few weeks, their son or daughter would commit suicide and be found dead by their families. Why? Because they were depressed and the medication didn't kick in soon enough? No! It was clear in every case that the prescribed medication was to blame for the acts of suicide. You can view this video in YouTube at the following link: http://video.google.ca/videoplay?docid=8652960977963341187#.

I am grateful that Jason could share his inner feelings with me. I am thankful for the times we spent together when he was a young boy, attending men's conferences out of town or going camping so that I could tell him about the birds and the bees, something he already knew all about but pretended it was all news to him. Another time, we set out to build a 2 storey treehouse. In my mind, the goal was to get it finished so the kids could have fun with it. So, I rushed getting it done instead of enjoying the moments we had together building it. What I'm saying is that even though I was a bit clumsy as a dad and made a lot of mistakes, it didn't matter. By spending time together, even if it seemed awkward at times, was a bonding for us that has proved critical at this time.

I would feel Jason's pain when he was hurting and I was unable and unwilling to "let go". I think God has already given us faith, strength and whatever we need in life, but we often don't know we have these gifts. When we find ourselves in a desperate situation, we reach deeper and discover that the strength needed is there. This song by Casting Crowns says it well: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw

A Fragmented and Broken System

Jason was in the intensive care unit for 2 days while the staff monitored his vital organs, especially his heart. His body also required chalk cleansing to absorb the sleeping pills he had taken. From there, he returned to the psychiatric ward for a few more days. We lost count on the number of trips to the psychiatric ward and although we appreciated the care given by the staff, we grew to hate it!

It had been a year and Jason's health continued to decline. He gained a significant amount of weight, another side effect of the medication, and we discovered that he had sleep apnea, a sleeping disorder, which was corrected with a breathing apparatus. Jason continued to feel very little motivation for getting well and he was unable to sense any hope for a future that was free of the emotional pain that seemed so unbearable. He had believed for a long time that the only way out of this pain was to die.

In the past year, we met with a number of professionals from the psychiatric system including psychiatrists, a psychologist, therapists, and others who were trying to help Jason. Everybody had an opinion for what Jason needed but all of these suggestions included the taking of prescribed medication. Counseling was provided by BC Interior Health but was only available monthly. Labels for Jason were freely provided such as "major depression", "social anxiety disorder", "suicide addiction", etc. The latest label given was "Borderline Personality Disorder" or "BPD". We made arrangements for Jason to meet with a psychologist for a couple months who specialized in BPD but these also proved to be ineffective as he was too medicated to gain any benefit from them.

The Canadian Mental Health Association offer a number of options for people struggling with depression, obsessive behavior, and other mental health issues. During the first year, Jason attended their group meetings and volunteered for them as part of the recovery program offered. These programs help a lot of people but did very little for Jason. He was too medicated to benefit from the group meetings and it seemed like most of the others were long term participants, showing little evidence of progress.

When Jason was first admitted to the psych ward, it seemed like everybody took over and we were left watching from the sidelines. The psychiatrist would refer him to a transition house, a case worker to help him learn basic life skills, an alcohol & drug counselor, a CMHA counselor, group therapy sessions, employment counselor, a dietitian, social services, etc, etc. These appointments would all take place when he was discharged, with little or no consideration given to whether the patient was ready for it. The system is not effective because it's not coordinated by anybody to determine timing of these referrals and whether or not the patient needed some of them. Not everybody is an alcoholic and most know how to perform basic life skills. But, everybody is painted with the same brush because they don't know their patient and the privacy laws and fears of liability make it difficult for them to work with the family and determine what the needs might be.

I met with a supervisor at BC Interior Health who oversees the counselors in the area and she suggested (unofficially) one of the therapists who was also familiar with BPD. I arranged to meet with her and she was one of the first professionals who talked about Jason as a person instead of a case study or project. We were impressed and believed she might be able to help. Jason still meets with her every 2 to 4 weeks. I met with his new psychiatrist and he agreed with me when I suggested we simplify Jason's plan because most of the appointments made with the various supporters were either not necessary or premature. We met with his case worker and the alcohol and drug counselor and they also agreed that a simpler approach might be a good idea. Jason hasn't felt a need to meet with them since and his schedule was significantly reduced to sessions with his new therapist and psychiatrist only.

We met a lot of people in Jason's new circle of friends who have no family support and have been receiving care from social services and other provincial government programs. Unfortunately, these programs are not administered very well and don't appear to be effective. Even more unfortunate for these young people is that they have no family support and may have lived in and out of foster homes for most of their lives. One of his friends told us that she has been on psychopathic drugs since she was 10 years old.

Canadians have one of the best health care systems in the world because everybody has access to medical attention, regardless of financial considerations. Nobody is left to fend for themselves. This includes the psychiatry services and that's where things go a little crazy (no pun intended). Physical sickness is confirmed in various ways but not mental illness. With psychological issues, the doctor listens to the patient describe the problem, gives him a prescription from a smorgasbord of psychopathic drugs, and tells the patient to let him know if it's working for them. Further appointments are not to determine if the drugs are required, this is an ongoing assumption. Future visits are to simply pick up another prescription, with possible tweaking, based on the psychiatrist's assessment of the patient's needs and/or desires at the time.

The psychiatrists are the first to admit that they really don't know whether or not the drugs will help. They base it on their experience with other patients who have done well on similar drugs. Of course, these patients are the ones who actually need the medication and recover. Psychiatrists are no longer in the game if a patient stops taking drugs and receive counseling or therapy instead. That's when the psychologists, counselors and therapists get involved and where competition between them and the psychiatrists begin to shine. It's rare to find a psychiatrist and a psychologist "doing lunch" together, they are very often in opposite mindsets about what's good for their patients. Some struggle for decades as their doctors continue to adjust and prescribe newer drugs and some end up committing suicide, a side effect listed on all psychopathic medication. When this happens, the official explanation is that the patient was depressed and it wasn't treated early enough. The truth is that 9 out of 10 of these deaths are a direct result of being prescribed the medication, not the explanation reported by those prescribing them. These drugs have the potential to kill people yet they are prescribed like candy to the young and old. With all the energy placed on perceived safety nets like privacy laws, immunization programs for the newest threats (eg. swine flu), customs and security measures, and so many others, it is amazing that there are no regulations to control the dispensing of psychopathic drugs. The people working in the psychiatric field are sincere and are doing some good, but they don't clearly see the forest for the trees. If they did, they would see all the people who are getting hurt by a system that is broken and in desperate need of repair.

After clearing it with the new psychiatrist, we cut out several of the other professional meetings originally sanctioned by Jason’s former psychiatrist. Jason was getting stressed out from keeping up with these appointments which were all arranged on his behalf with little consideration given as to whether or not he was ready for them. The psychiatrist would arrange a meeting for Jason to see a dietitian who would tell him what foods are healthy and which ones are damaging to his health. At the same time, Jason is preoccupied with planning his next suicide attempt. Does that sound like a well thought out and timely recovery plan?

We had come a long way with arranging what we believed was the best possible care for Jason. Both the new psychiatrist and private therapist gained Jason’s trust right away and seemed to have his best interests at heart. But, Jason was not out of the woods just yet and we had much more to learn.

Psychiatry... Much Freedom & Little Accountability

It was almost a year since Jason was first admitted to the psychiatric ward. He decided to move back home as the stress of managing his own apartment was too much. He was depressed more than ever and he obsessed about suicide constantly. He thought getting out of the house and going out with friends might help ease his busy mind but that only led him to more trouble. One night, he went out on a Friday night with an old acquaintance and didn't return until early Monday morning. I would call him on his cell periodically during the weekend and he would insist on staying away. Jason was angry at almost everyone and everything in his life. He was drinking a fair bit, against his better judgment to avoid alcohol while taking medication. He was well aware of the risks but didn't care, it was another way of satisfying the "suicide addiction", a term I learned from his psychiatrist. When he arrived on Monday morning, Bev, Stefanie and I were getting ready to go to work for the day. He assured me that he felt safe and would be sleeping all day.

I left work at about 5 pm, feeling uneasy all the way home. When I got home, I noticed that Bev and Stefanie weren't there yet. This seemed a little strange as they always got home before me. Moments later, I was relieved that they were running later than usual. The first thing I did was check in with Jason and I found him sleeping in his bed. Then, I ran upstairs to check his medication, which is only prescribed on a weekly basis, especially when the patient is suicidal. His entire week supply was gone! There was a little less than a week's worth of meds, but his supply included 4 or 5 different prescriptions each day. I hoped this wouldn't cause permanent damage somehow but I knew it would make him feel really sick. I shot back to Jason's bedroom to wake him up and when he finally came through, I asked him if he took anything else besides the weekly supply. That's when he pulled out an empty pill bottle which had found its way underneath him in bed.

The label on the bottle indicated that it contained 60 prescription sleeping pills and that it was prescribed by Jason's psychiatrist. I was shocked to see on the label that the prescription was not only for a whole month but that it also included 4 refills, to be filled at Jason's discretion. He had filled the prescription in advance and hid it for when the time was right. Jason wanted them on hand for the inevitable day when it seemed he could no longer cope with the emotional pain. The day I found him sleeping in his bed was that day!

Besides prescribing Jason with his week's supply of various drugs, the psychiatrist made a mistake by giving him an additional prescription for a month supply of sleeping pills along with 4 refills. To this day, the psychiatrist has no idea that his carelessness almost killed Jason and it took everything to keep me from paying him (or a lawyer) a less than social visitation. A good friend gave me some wise advice by suggesting that I need the cooperation of the local medical community and to ruffle any feathers at that time would jeopardize any support for Jason. He was right. Focusing a lot of my energy on the psychiatrist would only take our attention away from what was most important, Jason's health. I plan on talking to him when the time is right but for the sole purpose of making him aware that carelessness almost killed my son and to take stock of his practices with other patients. The only immediate action taken was a change to a new psychiatrist.

Jason couldn't stay awake but I managed to get out of him that he swallowed everything in the weekly pack and all 60 sleeping pills. I phoned 911 and the ambulance arrived promptly and immediately began treating him with oxygen while monitoring his vital organs. They rushed him to the hospital's Emergency and I waited for Bev and Stefanie to arrive before we headed out to the hospital. They got home only minutes after the ambulance was long gone and I was relieved once again that they missed the trauma. This was on June 30th, 2008 and it had been a long day.